When you yell at your kids, it always works to improve their behavior and your relationship, right?
Ha.
But what’s a parent at the end of their rope to do?
My guest today, Jennifer Kolari, has worked with some of the toughest, most challenging kids out there, and she has the answer: love them. Connect with them. Use the CALM technique so that your kids can truly learn better behavior in a safe environment.
We talk about:
- An interesting thing parents are actually the “substitute” for, at least until our kids turn 25 or so…
- The antidote to addiction – wow, all parents need this!
- How the neurobiology of love helps us understand the importance of building kids’ brains (and what tools to use in the building)
- Why kids overreact and give us grief
- A reallllly cool technique about how our faces should look when interacting with an emotional child (or, for that matter, spouse, co-worker, ETC!) – I keep using this part of the CALM technique with great results!
- What every teenager wants and what their “job” is in terms of development (this will help you parent your teen so much more effectively)
- What routines to include, and more importantly, NOT include, at mealtimes
This is one of our longer interviews because Jennifer has SUCH great information and stories, I couldn’t bear to hit stop on the recording – but that’s why we create skim notes for you to get the gist and hop to the sections you want to hear most, in case you don’t have time to listen to/watch the whole interview.
Can’t see the video? Watch Connected Parenting here on YouTube!
These time stamps align with the video and not the audio podcast, but they should be pretty close!
No time for the video? Here are the notes!
What Is Connected Parenting?
- 0:16: Today, we’re talking about connection on the Healthy Parenting Handbook. I’m speaking with child and family therapist Jennifer Kolari.
- 0:35: When I first heard Jennifer she gave an excellent analogy for parenting using a pilot of an airplane.
- 2:25: Jennifer shares her background with us. Even as a child, she knew she wanted to be a therapist.
- 3:28: Connected parenting is about helping parents use language and love as medicine. Jennifer shares what this looks like and how it’s different from other parenting styles.
Connected parenting uses language and love as medicine. -Jennifer Kolari
- 4:28: Understanding some brain science can really give you a boost in understanding your child.
As a parent you are the frontal lobe for your child until theirs matures. -Jennifer Kolari
Who Is Connected Parenting For?
- 5:42: What types of families and kids is connected parenting good for?
- 6:19: Jennifer shares how she developed the connected parenting style. It was a heartbreaking path to see how connection can make a difference in a relationship.
- 9:04: This emotional story drives home the point that Jennifer was learning about connection making all the difference with the kids she was working with.
- 11:11: You probably remember coaches or teachers who loved you and believed in you for many years later. Those moments of connection stay with you, and they matter.
- 11:40: Let’s look at the end goal. What are the qualities that a connected 18-year-old would have leaving the house?
Stay safe in the sun, with reef-safe sunscreens
Over the last decade+, I’ve personally tested over 120 natural mineral sunscreens, my standards are very high, and nothing I recommend is considered dangerous to coral reefs.
My top recommended tier with only around a dozen winners is where you really should be spending your time. These formulas are held to the highest standard with rigorous government testing.
Ingredients refined to perfection that most of the time you could practically eat and efficacy and performance tested by the Kimball family in the field.
Find all my reviews of safe sunscreen that works here!
If you’re looking for the best reef-safe sunscreen, simply start there. Here’s a list of some of my ultimate favorites.
- Kōkua Suncare with tons of antioxidants and my kids’ favorite scent and application
- 3rd Rock Essentials rubs in well and reliably prevents burns in our tests (use the code KITCHENSTEW for 20% off!)
- Raw Elements for so many reasons, including their tinted stick for adult faces (all styles, use KS10 for 10% off!)
- Maelove, which I call the best “transition” sunscreen when moving away from chemical ‘screens
- Others that make the top-recommended cut: Badger, ThinkBaby, Kabana
If you’re worried about the white cast on your skin from zinc oxide sunscreen, check out my video on how to apply mineral sunscreen correctly to minimize it.
Connecting With Brain Science
- 13:00: Now for some brain science. The frontal lobe takes 25 years to develop, it controls decision-making and logical thinking. The midbrain is your security system; it’s only interested in danger and survival, and it automatically reacts, and your frontal lobe is supposed to mitigate that.
- 14:25: The amygdala is constantly scanning for danger. When something frightening happens the midbrain takes over and overrides the frontal lobe.
- 14:48: Baby’s brains aren’t fully formed when they’re born. We get to help develop our children’s brains.
- 15:45: Oxytocin is a very powerful chemical for our brains. It’s free, you don’t need a prescription, you can’t overdose on it, and you can’t run out of it. Connection with those you love gives you both an oxytocin boost.
Paleovalley Meat Sticks
It can be hard to find healthy snacks that you can take with you on the go. When I want the convenience of a jerky stick, but want a healthy, protein-packed snack option, I grab Paleovalley meat sticks. Paleovalley ingredients have these high standards that you can feel good about:
- 100% Grass-Fed Beef & 100% Pasture-Raised Turkey
- Never given antibiotics or hormones
- Gluten-free, soy-free, dairy-free
- 0 grams of sugar*
- Contains no artificial nitrates or nitrites
- Non-GMO
- Naturally fermented and contain gut-friendly probiotics!
*With the exception of Teriyaki, which contains 2 grams of sugar from Organic Honey.
These beef sticks and turkey sticks taste delicious! My favorite is the Jalapeño but my kids love Summer Sausage.
Use this link to get 15% off your order at Paleovalley. Read my Paleovalley Review to learn more!
Implementing Connected Parenting
- 17:12: We don’t need to learn how to talk to a baby; we naturally flow, but we usually drop that when kids learn to speak. Definitely listen in here for an example to contrast how we connect with a baby vs a 2-year-old.
- 18:57: Once a child can communicate to us in words, we lose empathy. We aren’t trying to mirror and figure out what they’re feeling by their behavior anymore, we want them to speak to us.
- 20:35: Jennifer teaches the CALM method. The letters stand for Connection, Affect matching, Listening, and Mirroring.
- 20:50: Connect: Most of us enter a conflict thinking, “I need to be understood,” but what if we went in thinking, “How can I understand you?” If a child doesn’t feel understood, they will escalate.
- 22:13: Affect matching: The look on your face, needs to kind of match what they’re feeling. If it doesn’t they’ll feel hurt or misunderstood.
- 23:45: Listening: You can summarize, paraphrase, clarify, or wonder out loud to show that you’re listening and help them make connections. Jennifer gives some specific examples.
- 26:24: Mirroring: When you’ve pulled this all together, you’ve had a powerful mirroring moment.
Connected Parenting with Teens
- 27:42: We’ve talked about toddlers and young children. CALM also works with teens and might be even more important for them.
Every teenager wants to be understood. Connected parenting is literally teenager whispering. -Jennifer Kolari
- 30:11: Jennifer shares some fascinating things about teenagers and how we treat them differently now from any other time in history. Connection with our teens is so important.
- 35:35: Let’s look at a practical example of connected parenting with a teen.
- 38:33: Punishment and consequences are very different. Punishment comes from fear, and it’s hurting the child back. Consequences teach and come from love.
Kids need to know they are loved and limits also show love. -Jennifer Kolari
- 41:51: We have to show confidence in our teens and allow them some independence. Give them that chance to complete their responsibilities before stepping in and helping them with reminders or consequences.
- 43:24: Your children want to feel secure and know they’re loved. If you are acting as their frontal lobe and setting firm limits, they feel safe within that container.
Stay safe in the sun, with reef-safe sunscreens
Over the last decade+, I’ve personally tested over 120 natural mineral sunscreens, my standards are very high, and nothing I recommend is considered dangerous to coral reefs.
My top recommended tier with only around a dozen winners is where you really should be spending your time. These formulas are held to the highest standard with rigorous government testing.
Ingredients refined to perfection that most of the time you could practically eat and efficacy and performance tested by the Kimball family in the field.
Find all my reviews of safe sunscreen that works here!
If you’re looking for the best reef-safe sunscreen, simply start there. Here’s a list of some of my ultimate favorites.
- Kōkua Suncare with tons of antioxidants and my kids’ favorite scent and application
- 3rd Rock Essentials rubs in well and reliably prevents burns in our tests (use the code KITCHENSTEW for 20% off!)
- Raw Elements for so many reasons, including their tinted stick for adult faces (all styles, use KS10 for 10% off!)
- Maelove, which I call the best “transition” sunscreen when moving away from chemical ‘screens
- Others that make the top-recommended cut: Badger, ThinkBaby, Kabana
If you’re worried about the white cast on your skin from zinc oxide sunscreen, check out my video on how to apply mineral sunscreen correctly to minimize it.
- 45:20: You can easily get stuck in the cycle of power struggles and escalating conflict. Connection gets to the root of the issues and dissolves many potential problems.
- 47:50: Of course, we’re all about food here at Kids Cook Real Food™. Keep mealtime joyful and full of love and connection, this is not the time to have hard discipline conversations or engage in power struggles.
Mealtime is the most important time to connect. -Jennifer Kolari
- 50:15: Jennifer highly recommends that kids have protein every 1.5-2 hours to regulate mood and help with behavior. Just 3 bites will do it, but it has to be protein-heavy! Here’s a protein-rich small snack that’s easy to make with your kids.
- 51:04: Sleep also has a huge impact on behavior. Make sure your kids are getting enough sleep if they’re struggling with emotional regulation. Here are tips to get your kid sleeping enough.
If you’re navigating the complexities of supporting children with challenges in executive functioning and stress management, this workshop is designed for you.
Led by Elizabeth Sautter and Sarah Ward, experts in social-emotional learning (SEL) and executive functioning, this workshop will provide you with practical strategies that can be seamlessly integrated into daily routines and activities, benefiting both you and the children you love and support.
- 52:57: Jennifer gives us some information on what else she has to offer for parents. You can find everything on her website.
- 55:23: We end with one step you can do today.
Resources We Mention for CALM Parenting
- Find Jennifer online at Connected Parenting
- Here’s a protein-rich small snack that’s easy to make with your kids.
- Here are tips to get your kid sleeping enough
- Follow Jennifer on social media: Facebook, Instagram
- Jennifer’s free webinar
One of the nation’s leading parenting experts, Jennifer Kolari, M.S.W., R.S.W. is a highly sought-after international speaker and the founder of Connected Parenting. A child and family therapist with a busy practice based in Toronto and San Diego, Kolari is also the author of Connected Parenting: How To Raise A Great Kid (Penguin Group USA and Penguin Canada, 2009) and You’re Ruining My Life! (But Not Really) Surviving the Teenage Years with Connected Parenting (Penguin Canada, 2011). Kolari is a frequent guest on many national morning shows and her advice can be found in many Canadian and U.S. magazines.Jennifer entertains and educates audiences with her powerful parenting model based on the neurobiology of love. Kolari’s wisdom, quick wit, and down-to-earth style helps parents navigate modern-day parenting problems, offering real-life examples, as well as practical and effective tools and strategies.
What You Should Do Next:
1. Subscribe to the Healthy Parenting Handbook Newsletter
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2. Try a Free Preview of My Cooking Class for Kids
Our members’ favorite lesson is always our 10-minute knife skills and safety class, teaching techniques with unique & memorable phrases from butter knives to chef’s knives (ages 2-teen). Take a peek here and try it out with your kids.
3. Enroll in the Online Cooking Course for Kids:
Enroll now in the Wall Street Journal’s #1 recommended online cooking class for kids (also rated 5 stars on Facebook). See what fits your family best HERE.
About Katie Kimball
Katie Kimball, CSME, creator of Kids Cook Real Food™ and CEO of Kitchen Stewardship®, LLC, is passionate about connecting families around healthy food. As a trusted educator and author of 8 real food cookbooks, she’s been featured on media outlets like ABC, NBC and First for Women magazine and contributes periodically on the FOX Network.
Since 2009, busy moms have looked to Katie as a trusted authority and advocate for children’s health, and she often partners with health experts and medical practitioners to stay on the cutting edge. In 2016 she created the Wall Street Journal recommended best online kids cooking course, Kids Cook Real Food™, helping thousands of families around the world learn to cook. She is actively masterminding the Kids’ Meal Revolution, with a goal of every child learning to cook.
A mom of 4 kids from Michigan, she is also a Certified Stress Mastery Educator, member of the American Institute of Stress and trained speaker through Bo Eason’s Personal Story Power.