When? When will my children just SIT at the table and EAT?
It’s an outcry I hear from parents often.
Will they stop throwing food? Stop getting out of their seat? Stop pouring milk on their brother’s head? (No personal experience there, I promise.)
I hate to tell you … but as with most parenting things, it’s going to have to be on you.
Consistency.
High standards.
Most of parenting seems to boil down to these!
Why Should We Teach Table Manners to Kids?
There has been research done about the correlation between families eating together and the well-being of kids.
Did you know in families that eat together regularly, kids are less like to drink, smoke, do drugs, have depression, as well as be much more resilient to bullying? Not only that, younger children are exposed to new vocabulary they may not hear from reading aloud.
Those benefits are reason enough for me to gather my crew around the table, as difficult as it can be some nights.
RELATED: More about the benefits of family dinners.
What if your kids could make a whole meal by themselves?
It’s totally possible for even the youngest children, once they learn the skills in the Kids Cook Real Food eCourse! Grab Your FREE Download: Kid-Friendly Recipes right here!
But why manners? (I mean, other than for your own sanity and the cleanliness of your house?)
Table manners help teach impulse control and set grooves in those neural pathways that think about pleasing others and not just yourself.
As Zanthe Taylor pointed out in Psychology Today, manners are socially significant as well, helping children become adults who know how to act in certain social institutions they will encounter – whether it be a friend’s house or dinner at the White House.
How to Teach Manners to Kids at the Dinner Table
As a parent, your responsibility is when you eat, what you serve, and where you eat.
This is from Ellen Satter’s Division of Responsibility, more here.
Parents Choose: When You Eat
When kids are hungry, they’re going to sit for longer.
Don’t serve a snack right before dinner – although an appetizer of raw veggies with dip is never a bad idea.
Limiting screen time an hour before meals can help attention, as well as taking some deep breaths together.
Be intentional about the “when” and what happens before, and you give your family a better chance of a calm dinnertime.
Chemicals in Pajamas?
Kids spend about half their time in bed and pajamas. Most kids PJs are laced with toxic flame-retardant chemicals or made with fabrics that will melt when exposed to flames and we say “No thank you!” to those in our house!
It’s tricky to find non-toxic pajamas, but I’ve got you covered! Some of our favorite brands of non-toxic PJs:
- Hanna Andersson is still mostly safe (on Amazon, and through Rakuten for the best deals)
- Target carries enough tight-fitting pajamas that it’s worth your time to check there, but many of theirs are not safe
- Primary
- Pact
- Burt’s Bees organic PJs (at Target, Amazon, and elsewhere)
Parents Choose: What You Serve
I think we cover “what” in the rest of this site! No separate meals!
At Kids Cook Real Food™, we’re all about healthy eating for families. The rule is that we eat food that’s grown in the ground or eats things grown in the ground, 80% of the time.
Less processed food might have a direct relationship with table manners, but when kids understand that time and effort went into a meal, they may be more likely to behave well at the table. And if THEY are involved in the cooking, you’ve got another chip on your side!
RELATED: Get your kids to eat veggies with no tricks!
Parents Choose: Where You Eat
Kids who eat in front of a TV are more likely to be overweight by third grade – and you’re missing the opportunities for that vocabulary-building and chatting.
Everyone needs to ditch their devices at the door and sit down without distractions.
Parents set the example here. Don’t get up if your phone dings!
If your children are used to being at a table for (nearly) every meal, it will be a lot easier to require table manners and staying in their seats.
Keeping Kids in Their Seats at the Table
Kids running around and back and forth to play can be as big of a distraction as a phone.
Here are some of my quick tips.
Kids under 3 need a buckle if they are getting up and out of their seats constantly.
It may seem they’ve outgrown the high chair, but it’s OK to pull a booster seat back up to the table to help them learn to stay seated. They’re still “big kids” without a tray but secured, hopefully enough to quell the running.
If they continue to fuss and cry, institute the discipline strategy that fits your family. I tend to remove myself and the child from the situation, help calm them down with breathing and a calm voice, and then try again. (At a certain point it may be time to end dinner for that day and try again another time; toddler tantrums aren’t always about the actual situation at hand!)
Set a firm rule of “you leave, you’re done.”
If your child isn’t in a buckle and refuses to stay sitting, when they get up, they are done with the meal and will have to wait for breakfast. And you have to stick to that!
If you cave and give them a snack or other food, they will think you’re lying and it will negate anything you told them about not leaving the table.
Follow-through is a beast, yeah? But young kids are very neuroplastic; their brains will adapt to this information quickly.
Even toddlers who can’t talk can understand this rule. Start as young as you can, and be consistent!
In other words, the problem of “kids staying at the table” really has nothing to do with cooking or food. It’s a parenting issue, and you should treat it as you do any other discipline/training issue in your home.
I find that it’s easier to talk with my spouse when neither of us is exhausted and the kids aren’t present, plan together what we’re going to do and even the words we’ll say when the kids break the guideline, and then form a united front. That way, I don’t have to use my precious willpower at the table to think or make decisions; I just stick with the script we already decided on, and I’m able to deliver the lines in a much more calm voice, thanks to willpower.
My son Paul wrote a real cookbook!
He and 4 friends have published a cookbook by kids, for kids, all healthy foods — Chef Junior.
If you want to see how kids write to kids and get some fab bonuses for supporting these 5 teen authors, buy the book and then redeem the bonuses the kids created!
Do Kids Need Chairs at the Dinner Table?
The best posture for eating is to sit with your feet supported and your ankles, knees, and hips all at 90-degree angles.
Fidgeting at the table may mean your child is seeking that secure feeling of support in a chair that is too large for them. Their brain is too worried about falling out of the chair to focus on eating!
There are some special adjustable chairs that solve this issue or there are ways to create the correct seat at home. Learn more here.
See how my 8-year-old is propping himself up with one foot? Perfect example of what Dr. Toomey teaches in that interview linked above.
Who needs a chair? OK, most of us probably enjoy sitting at the table.
But if your child can’t seem to keep their bottom in the chair, let them stand, as long as they stay in their place.
When my kids are really energetic, sometimes they stand on a balance board at the table. It might seem counterintuitive, but it keeps them at the table.
Dealing with Messes When Teaching Manners to Kids
We are trying to teach our kids to be problem-solvers. If you berate them for spilling or dropping food on accident, it’s not going to teach them anything except fear.
I teach my kids to “be a leaner!”
They should eat over their plates, so anything that drops goes onto the plate.
If they drop something, I’ll say, “I wonder what you could have done to keep that food out of your lap?”
And after the meal, the kids are in charge of cleaning up their spot at the table, chair, and anything they’ve dropped on the floor, as well as taking their dishes into the kitchen.
I know it’s not easy to be consistent. But, as with most things, discipline pays off.
Getting into these habits for family dinnertime will make for much more pleasant meals in the future.
Can Kids Learn Proper Table Etiquette?
Everything we’ve talked about so far may help kids stay at the table and even eat their meals better, but this really only brings them up to a baseline of “not animals,” you know?
Aren’t there actual table manners that kids should learn like using utensils, keeping their elbows off the table, not chewing with their mouths full, and saying “please” and “thank you?”
Our members shared some great ideas to teach manners to kids recently, and I’m honored to share them with you.
First, you should set the scene well for a calm family dinner by tackling everything above. Once you’re there, decide on what table manners YOU care about enough to enforce.
If your kids are already in grade school or higher and have plenty of bad habits, I recommend a clean break. Announce that you’re teaching some table manners and you expect them to be followed from now on. One of our members’ fun ideas will be perfect to kick off your new politeness endeavor:
- Try a “fancy” dinner where everyone dresses up, eats by candlelight, and exaggerates all the table manners to practice. (Teach the manners 1-2 per night for a week before “the big fancy day.”)
- Play a game with it. Each person (kids and adults!) starts with 10 raisins next to their plate. Any time they’re caught using bad manners, they have to give a raisin to the person who caught them. Whoever has the most at the end of the meal earns a special treat! (This strategy would be fun and effective a few times while training, and it feels so “fair” because the kids can catch the adults too. It’s not a long-term strategy, just something to create the “break” between anarchy and polite family dinners.)
- Set up a video camera on the table for everyone to watch, and give a prize to the person who identifies the most bad table manners (even if it’s them!). Play again to search for the best table manners the next night.
- Try one new table manner per week and focus on it as a family to build up the habit muscles.
- Remind little ones that they want to learn to be “big boys/girls” and perhaps take a trip to a fancy restaurant when a certain level of achievement is reached.
- If you have a big family, you can put anyone with good manners at the “adult table” and anyone demonstrating poor manners at the “kid table.” This isn’t “good” and “bad” manners, just “juvenile behavior” and “acting like an adult.” Language is important!
- Discuss table manners in other countries (some traditions will surprise you!) as a fun way to talk about what’s appropriate for your family. You could even have an “other country” manners day and slurp soup like they do in Japan and burp loudly like they do in Italy!
With any of these “clean breaks,” the KEY is to be consistent about gentle reminders — and being a good example — after the intervention.
Someday I’ll have to create a little video with fun phrases for table manners like we use in our cooking class for kids — for example, “No Holes, No Hills” to remind kids to measure flat — but for now, I’m just the mom telling her boys that if they wipe their hands on their shirt or pants, I’ll enjoy my time with them doing extra laundry. 🙂
At least none of mine have actually poured milk on their brother’s head at the table, and we DO make it a habit to sit down as a family to eat dinner nearly every night of the week.
What are your best tips for teaching manners to kids?
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About Katie Kimball
Katie Kimball, CSME, creator of Kids Cook Real Food™ and CEO of Kitchen Stewardship®, LLC, is passionate about connecting families around healthy food. As a trusted educator and author of 8 real food cookbooks, she’s been featured on media outlets like ABC, NBC and First for Women magazine and contributes periodically on the FOX Network.
Since 2009, busy moms have looked to Katie as a trusted authority and advocate for children’s health, and she often partners with health experts and medical practitioners to stay on the cutting edge. In 2016 she created the Wall Street Journal recommended best online kids cooking course, Kids Cook Real Food™, helping thousands of families around the world learn to cook. She is actively masterminding the Kids’ Meal Revolution, with a goal of every child learning to cook.
A mom of 4 kids from Michigan, she is also a Certified Stress Mastery Educator, member of the American Institute of Stress and trained speaker through Bo Eason’s Personal Story Power.