Discipline With No Punishment at All! (Especially for Parents of Aggressive Boys!) (HPC: E95)

I used Tosha’s tips the very DAY we recorded this interview, and I have to tell you — they work. So well.

Once you hear about her strategy for reducing frustration and nipping “negative spirals” in the bud, you’ll know why when my husband spent a ton of time hanging with our 5-year-old, Gabe, over Christmas break, he said:

“You know, Gabe has had a really good break. He hasn’t been having any tantrums or behavior issues at ALL. And I’m really treasuring my time with him…he won’t be little for very much longer!!”

FREE DOWNLOAD: 3 Ways to Build Brain Resilience

Tosha Schore is a parent coach who specializes in the biggest surprise of her own life — parenting boys!

In this interview that I did NOT want to end, you’ll learn:

  • Why empowered women can still raise strong, balanced boys
  • The very first step to disciplining without punishment (I kind of had to ask this twice because I wasn’t understanding; I was a little slow to catch on because the answer has nothing to do with children!!)
  • Why words are not powerful enough to stop aggressive behavior
  • How the isolation of modern parenting is hurting our efforts
  • The mindset shift that rocked my thinking when Tosha explained how to respond to and appreciate a boy getting upset when fun time ends (I will have to work HARD to implement this one, folks, I need all the encouragement I can get!)
  • The most powerful antidote to aggression (and it’s free to use!)

I do think a lot of Tosha’s tips apply to girls too, but I really appreciate her focus on boys and the disconnect a lot of mommas in particular feel with their opposite-gender child. (Yes, boys and girls are different! Amazing fact!!)

Can’t see the video? View it here on YouTube.

No time to watch the whole video? Here are the notes!

Parenting Aggressive Boys Video Time Stamps

  • 0:55: I’m here today on the Healthy Parenting Connector with Tosha Schore a parenting coach and author. She is the mother of 3 boys and is passionate about helping parents of boys particularly.
  • 1:40: Tosha shares her story with us and how she became an advocate for parents and kids.
  • 2:47: When Tosha was pregnant with her first child, she panicked when she realized that she could have a boy instead of a girl…and she didn’t know what to do with a boy. Three boys later, she’s figured some things out!
  • 5:22: Tosha’s mission for her business is to create a more peaceful world, one sweet boy at a time. She focuses not so much on innate differences between genders, but how we respond to boys versus girls and how that shapes the child.

How to Handle Aggression

  • 7:20: Aggression is hard for many moms to handle in their children. As women, many of us have dealt with unwanted aggression in our past, making our child’s aggression triggering.

As parents, we need to heal our own wounds so we can show up for our kids. -Tosha Schore

  • 9:10: In order to get to the root of the issue, we need to deal with our own baggage so we can look at discipline situations without the cloud of our own past.
  • 10:36: Being in community is hugely important for parents. When we’re isolated we feel like we’re the only ones struggling in this way, or our child is the only one having a hard time. It’s hard to create change when we feel alone.

How to Listen to Our Kids

  • 11:09: Listening partnerships is a unique way of listening without judgment or advice. Tosha teaches people how to develop this communication style with their kids and other adults.
  • 11:43: Parents need to listen much more than they talk. We often rely on words to set limits, but that often isn’t enough.

Words alone are often not powerful enough to stop a behavior. You need to make “Stop!” happen. -Tosha Schore

  • 13:18: Tosha recommends parents do something for themselves like read a magazine you love, or anything to give yourself a break and refill your own tank.

FREE DOWNLOAD: 3 Ways to Build Brain Resilience

  • 15:32: When a parent comes to Tosha, she first helps the parent unpack their baggage and take care of themselves before dealing with the aggression and struggle of the child.
  • 16:10: No parent is perfect, we need to let go of that expectation of ourselves. We’re all always doing the best we can in each unique situation.

Perfect Parenting is an unattainable goal. -Tosha Schore

You as a parent are doing the absolute best you can at any given moment. If you could have done better in that moment, you would have. -Tosha Schore

  • 17:35: Tosha uses the phrase “negative spiral” in her writing. I’ve seen that happen in myself and my kids. How do we get out of that and connect with our kids so we can help them?

Connection is the antidote to aggression. -Tosha Schore

Tools to Use When Parenting Aggressive Boys

  • 19:48: One of the tools Tosha talks about is having “special time” with kids. You can do it reactively when a challenging situation arises or it can be proactively planned regularly into your week. Tosha gives some direction for what special time looks like.
  • 21:33: Special time shouldn’t be used as a way to pry information out of your child, but as a result of sharing that connected time together, your child may feel safe enough to share things with you.
  • 22:18: When you’re first starting out with special time, aim for 5-10 minutes. It’s harder than you think. No phones, no listening out for the pot boiling on the stove: kids can tell when we’re really focusing on them or multitasking.
  • 24:29: Tosha tells a story illustrating how powerful just a 5-minute special time can be.
  • 27:34: These are simple ideas, but they take intentionality, control, and training to implement regularly.
  • 27:54: I hope that we have som Kids Cook Real Food kiddos asking to cook something in the kitchen as their special time activity once you guys start implementing this tool!
  • 28:41: If special time is a timed event only lasting 5-10 minutes, how do you deal with kids being upset at the end of that time?

The release of emotion is where the healing takes place and how behaviors shift. -Tosha Schore

  • 31:13: Tosha shares some info on her 10-day reconnect event called “Parenting Boys Peacefully.” You get an email every day and live coaching sessions in a Facebook group. Sign up below to join the next time she runs the event.
  • 35:59: Tosha leaves us with one actionable step you can take today!

Resources We Mention for Parenting Boys

As an Amazon affiliate, I earn from qualifying purchases. I’m also an affiliate for Tosha’s course, but that doesn’t change your price!
Tosha SchoreTosha Schore is a parent coach, speaker, and co-author with Hand in Hand Parenting founder, Patty Wipfler, of Listen: Five Simple Tools to Meet Your Everyday Parenting Challenges. Tosha is mom to three boys and an advocate for boys and their families worldwide. She is committed to creating lasting change in families and in the world by supporting parents to care for themselves, connect with their boys deeply, set limits lovingly, and play wildly. Tosha holds a BA in Women’s Studies & Language Studies from UCSC, an MA in Applied Linguistics from UCLA, and is a certified teacher and trainer of instructors in Parenting by Connection.

Discipline with no punishment

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