198: Improving Self-Esteem in Highly Sensitive and Anxious Kids with Rachel Bailey

We’ve talked before about “highly sensitive children” (and adults) here, and I knew I wanted more resources from more experts on the topic.

I was thrilled to discover the work of Rachel Bailey, a clinical psychologist who mentors parents and helps them raise resilient, confident children while reducing the stress and guilt in the parents’ lives.

Perfect!

Rachel and I hit it off right away, and she packed a TON of information into our interview. Get ready for lightbulb moments and lots of learning!

You’ll hear:

• How big emotions affect our kids, especially HSCs
• The 2 causes of healthy self-esteem
• Why really SEEing our kids is the first step to helping them build higher self-esteem
• The great benefit to teaching kids to cook (yesss! I felt so validated that Rachel said what I’ve been saying for years, but with a deeper research background)
• What kids need to be able to self-advocate – and how parents can help them build those 2 skills!!
• Why coping skills aren’t enough
• The root of true resilience
• A new lens through which we should look at our kids’ behavior
• Rachel’s toolbox terms – phrases you can just remember and reuse! – for big emotion situations with your kids
• A really cool discussion on why parenting tweens and teens is different (and practical techniques for bridging that gap)

All of our kids need their parents to help them build healthy self-esteem, especially our highly sensitive, big emotion kids.

If you have one, you know it.

If you don’t have one – these techniques are still golden. 🙂

Can’t see the video? Watch Helping Kids With Big Emotions here on YouTube!

No time for the video? Here are the notes!

Improving Self-Esteem in Kids with Big Emotions

• 0:24: Today I’m talking with Rachel Bailey on the Healthy Parenting Connector about helping kids manage their big emotions.
• 1:14: Rachel shares how she came to work with kids with ADHD and big emotions. 

Our emotions do not have to control our behavior. That’s where resilience is. -Rachel Bailey 

• 3:27: What does it look like to have a kid with big emotions? Some other words used to describe kids with big emotions are sensitive, strong-willed, and anxious. 
• 4:43: We’ve had several interviews in the past talking about highly-sensitive people/highly-sensitive kids and if your child falls into that category they for sure will be dealing with some of these big emotions we’re going to talk about today.
• 6:00: Kids with bigger emotions tend to struggle with low self-esteem. Rachel sees two qualities that contribute to healthy self-esteem: a genuine belief that you are worthy of acceptance as you are, and believing that you are capable and competent. Kids expressing big emotions get lots of messages saying that they aren’t enough (i.e. you’re too dramatic, you don’t need to get upset every time you make a mistake, you aren’t reacting the way you should). At the same time, they don’t know what to do differently to respond “correctly” to their emotions so they don’t feel capable.

• 8:03: Rachel teaches a strategy called “see and teach” to help parents support their kids through their emotions. It involves getting to the root of the behavior to see why the child reacted that way. It looks like saying “Hey you just hit your brother, and there’s a reason behind that. What was going on for you?” The behavior is still not okay, but we’re acknowledging that there was a reason rather than judging them based on their behavior. 
• 9:38: The next step is to teach the child strategies to cope with their big emotions in a positive way rather than yelling or hitting. 
• 10:39: When a child learns to cook they’re learning skills that boost their self-esteem by showing them how they are competent to feed themselves and serve others and they bring practical value to the family by helping out. There are huge benefits to self-esteem from teaching kids to cook!

The world will chip away at your self-esteem. When you feel valuable in one area, it can compensate for other areas. -Rachel Bailey 

• 12:12: I can see in my own teenage daughter that low self-esteem translates into a lack of self-advocacy. Kids need two things for advocacy: they need to know what to say and they need to be able to handle discomfort. 
• 14:36: It’s not easy to teach kids to handle discomfort, because our brains are wired to avoid it. You can recognize that you’re in fight or flight and tell your brain that you’re safe until the discomfort passes. Rachel calls this the “yuck curve.” It’s like a rainbow arch, the discomfort will get worse before it gets better, but the more you practice, the faster you’ll get over the curve.
• 16:25: We need to put or allow our kids to be in uncomfortable situations and help them develop coping skills. Teach them to recognize their fight or flight symptoms and that they can control their behavior, they don’t need to let their emotions control them. 
• 18:10: Our generation didn’t learn these skills, so clearly our parents weren’t practicing and teaching them. How have people been coping just fine for thousands of years? For one thing, stressors are different now than in the past. We’re at the same time getting too much stress in the form of news and social media online 24/7 and we’re more sheltered because many people don’t build resilience by going through hard times in their own lives. 
• 19:45: I see a major weakness in kids with lower self-esteem in that they also don’t tend to bounce back well and have that resilience they need when things don’t go their way. Teaching resilience is like removing a clog in a plugged-up sink and allowing the big emotions to flow through. BUT we also need to figure out how to remove the gunk that’s continuing to flow into the sink so they can keep up with it. 

• 21:30: Here’s a concrete example of seeing your child. When you don’t agree with your child’s behavior, you can say: “I don’t agree with what you did, but I think I see why you did it…” and suggest what you think was the root of their behavior and talk about it. If you just tell them “You’re wrong” that creates more gunk in the sink. 
• 22:14: When you can, defer to your child as an expert. Look at your child’s interests and strengths and how you can ask for their advice to boost their feelings of capability.
• 22:54: Teach your kids to use “when/then/until” statements to cope with big emotions. “When I notice X behavior/feeling, then I will (use a coping strategy) until I know I …”
• 23:56: Different kids will tend towards different coping strategies. You can use movement strategies (i.e. walking up and down the hall), cognitive exercises (i.e. envisioning a happy place), or sensory activities (i.e. looking at a sensory jar) depending on your child.
• 24:36: When fight or flight takes over, kids lose the ability to choose and instead react. Saying things like “Well, you chose to do that so now you get this consequence.” brings shame. Using when/then/until statements helps kids slow the fight or flight process down so they can still choose their coping strategies. 

• 25:49: Assume best intention. Say “The way you spoke to your brother/sister is not okay and I want to understand why you did that so that we can help you do something different next time.” 
• 26:54: Rachel uses the term “yuck” because even a 3-year-old can understand it. “Yuck” tells us to yell, but we can teach ourselves to do something else. 
• 28:07: When parents hear some of these more gentle parenting strategies it’s common to not understand how to hold boundaries and they slide towards very permissive parenting, but that’s not Rachel’s intent here. You can have respect and firm boundaries at the same time.

• 29:39: Rachel has said the phrase “It’s not ok to…” several times today. That’s the boundary. You’re still communicating that certain behaviors are not acceptable, but the respect comes in when you assume good intentions and work with the child to learn coping skills, instead of shaming and punishing to modify behavior. 
• 29:28: Parents need to have compassion for themselves as well. See your own motivation to figure out why you yelled rather than feeling guilty for yelling. 
• 30:35: With teens and tweens it’s sometimes hard to get them to communicate with us about these things. Some kids just aren’t verbal processors, so go in the direction where they feel comfortable whether it’s music or sports. Enter their world without forcing them to open up and talk.

• 32:02: If your child is a verbal processor but they stopped talking to you as a teen it’s probably an issue of safety. Once they’re in middle school, tweens realize that it isn’t always safe to be vulnerable and they start to put up a wall. We need to show our kids that we are safe. Here are more strategies for connecting with your middle schooler.
• 34:37: We end with something that you can do today after this interview. Look beneath the behavior. What might be going on for my child?
• 35:45: Rachel has a program called Raising Resilience where she teaches parents to regulate themselves, set limits with their kids, and foster emotional resilience in their children. Her podcast is called Your Parenting Long Game.

Resources We Mention for Big Emotions

• Two past interviews about highly sensitive people and highly sensitive kids
• More strategies for connecting with your middle schooler
• Find Rachel and her program online
• Listen to her podcast: Your Parenting Long Game
• Follow her on social media: Facebook, Instagram, and Youtube

Rachel Bailey is a Human Behavior and Parenting Specialist who has been serving families for more than 15 years. Besides being a mother of two, she has a Master’s Degree in Clinical Psychology, has provided services as an ADHD Coach, in-home mentor, and therapist, and is a frequently requested speaker at conferences, corporations, schools, and community organizations. Through her workshops, podcast, and programs, Rachel teaches parents hands-on tools for raising resilient, confident children while reducing the stress and guilt in parents’ lives.